Transcendent Moments
They don't come often, in my experience- granted, that isn't much. I've only ever had one. Yesterday.
There are moments when you are not within yourself; when you are
connected to something greater. These are moments you will always remember, because how could you ever forget anything so amazing? They are rare; there aren't many ways they occur. Maybe it's through religion. Or from being in love.
For me, it was through the arts; through acting. Maybe a part of it was love. I don't know.
It was in Movement class. We were doing an exercise entitled viewpoints, of which the essential element is kinesthetic response- your body's impulsive reaction to your surroundings. Other elements are tempo, duration, architecture, gestures, light...
The most important thing, really though, is the other people.
Yesterday, I had a headache. All through class, I was out of it, I was unable to focus.
Then, all of a sudden, there I was, leaning on the table, and straight in front of me was a friend of mine, whom I've liked for as long as I've known him. There was someone halfway between us, actually, facing a direction perpendicular to our plane, and so I could only actually see one of his eyes, and yet it was as if I could see both, there was such a connection. All of a sudden, everything snapped into focus and I was part of the group. I couldn't tell where I ended and everyone else began.
I've had two moments that I will always remember. That was one.
On Christmas and Christianity
I'm fairly undecided, religiously speaking. I like the idea of reincarnation, but aside from that, all I know is this- I'm not a Christian. I have some Christian values, certainly, but I do not believe in God as he is presented by believers in Christianity. It's certainly not a product of how I was raised; my family says grace every night. I am always uncomfortable when
I'm asked to say grace. It feels like some sick version of lying, where it's hugely important- to my mother especially- and I can't tell the truth. All my relatives, both sides of the family, are devout Christians. My grandmother is Episcopalian; both of my aunts on my dad's side are Born-Again Christians, as are their immediate families.
I've simply never bought into it. If my cousins knew this, they'd consider me hellbent on going to hell. If my favorite aunt knew this, she would attempt to "save" me. Excuse me; does that mean I need saving? I have morals. I've never stolen anything; I've never pirated music; I've never cheated on a test and the only lying I do is about my religion.
Needless to say, I've never killed anyone. Anything.
Is it wrong, somehow, to celebrate Christmas and not be a Christian? Of course, I do not follow the religion of which it is a holy day; I merely appreciate that has, admittedly, been molded into what it is today by retailers and Hallmark.
Still, is this so terrible? After all, what fourteen-year-old girl with limited funds could despise two weeks off from school and free stuff from the people who know her best?
When I'm Feeling Sad...
...I simply remember my favorite things
and then I don't feel so bad!The Sound of Music is my mom's favorite musical. A few of my favorite things-
--Roller coasters. Any roller coaster. I swear I will not throw up. I can't say the same for dragging everyone who's with me straight back into line.
--Heath bar ice cream. Toffee, chocolate bits, caramel, all in vanilla ice cream. Frozen heaven.
--Bath and Body Works lotion. Warm vanilla sugar.
--My sixth period class. My fastest-closest friend and the guy friend I've liked as long as I've known him are in that class (he is completely oblivious as to how I feel about him. She is always laughing at how transparent I am.)
--Crowded House. Especially especially especially the song
Mansion in the Slums.
--Kittens. Especially black ones.
--My red silk flats. I bought them in Chinatown for five bucks. They ran a size large- I wear them in a nine and everything else in a ten. That makes me happy.
--Cute motivational posters, the cheesier the better.
--Bags. Not handbags (well, them too.) Shopping bags. Especially really pretty ones. Like the Topshop bag my dad brought me from England.
--Udon noodles with tofu.
Even though it's strange to eat them with the beef flavoring with tofu.
Gratuitous Violence...?
I want to play laser tag. Maybe even paintball. I'm feeling adventurous.
My little brother turned ten today. He invited over a few friends and they played Nerf Dart Tag. I invited over my next-door-neighbor/best-friend-for-a-decade/virtual-sister and we watched/collected darts/helped out. She commented on how we hadn't ever had these things- Nerf projectile guns, I mean- when we were younger.
I commented that we should go play paintball. She pointed out how scary
Failure to Launch made it look. (Neither of us much appreciated that movie; it took us a good five minutes to come up with its title.)
So we decided on laser tag. If we ever get around to it...
Well, we probably won't.
Mouth-Breathing
Grrr. I hate being sick. Last year, I missed ten days of school by the time I was halfway through the first semester. This year, I hadn't missed a single day. I was feeling very pleased with myself. Until this morning. See, the thing about having moderate asthma is that your parents decide the combination of a sore throat and a stuffy nose means you need to stay home.
I really wouldn't have minded- I really did feel sick this morning- if not for the fact that today is a Wednesday, meaning I would have had my favorite acting class, which takes place on Mondays and Wednesdays, today. Sadly, said class was missed by me today.
Monday seems a long way off.
Wondering, Wandering, Wanting
What's it like to love someone?
I wonder.
Is it when you've adored someone for as long as you've known them, since you first met them, and it hurts every day because they don't know and have never known?
And can never know?Is it that feeling when you want nothing more than to be with them, all the time you've got in this life, talking or not, and you're longing for what you can't have?
In other words, them?Is it when you're bored to tears, but then you catch a glimpse of their hands and you can get through the rest of your day?
Or the rest of your week or month or year or life?I wonder.
Is it possible to fall in love at fourteen?
Is it possible to really, truly love someone and have them be totally oblivious?
I wonder.
I've been wondering for a long time.
I think I'll be wondering for a long time yet.
