Unknowing
It's not the characters I'm infatuated with. It's not Jim, it's not Stephen, and it's not Lelio. Jim's goofiness, Stephen's charm, Lelio's sweetness- those aren't the reasons I look forward to seeing him so much. No, it's the way he leans forward in his chair when he's focusing, and how even though he's from a different school he immediately understood the dynamic necessary for dealing with Sarah. It's how when I smiled at him just before we performed our composition he smiled back, and the way he held me up in a manner that told me for certain he wasn't going to drop me on the stage, no matter how long he had to carry me.
There are other things, too, things that aren't just him. When he's talking to the rest of the group, sharing an idea, I give him my full attention, as I do for everyone. He acknowledges this, making eye contact with me. When we talk, he isn't as derogatory as Ben is- if I laugh, he doesn't tell me to stop. He laughs with me.
It's a crush, though, I can see that clearly. The last time I was this infatuated, I didn't get my head out of it for two years. Or so. I say that, but I think this particular time may have started farther back than I'd care to admit- back when I still had that emotional baggage I really had no right to.
I still can't help wondering if he has a girlfriend, or what he thinks of me, or what he and Michelle said about me after I left, or if they even talked about me at all. Seeing as we talked about Sarah after she left, and Ben for a moment after he left, I think it's safe to guess they talked about me.
I just wish I knew what they said.
Playing Second Fiddle
My school's variety show is coming up. As in, May 23-26. As in, three weeks. For said variety show, every section in the arts program- theatre, film, art, dance, music- does something, and people are divided into groups within their discipline. I found out who was in my group Monday of last week, and I was told our first rehearsal would be that Wednesday at five. All right, so I had a Butoh class off-campus that didn't end until five, but there was nothing I could do about it. No worries, right?
So Wednesday afternoon, we showed up. All our director wanted was our names and phone numbers. He said we'll start rehearsals next week. All the other groups were starting/had started, but hey. He was doing lights for the dance show, he had an excuse. I went with it.
Day before yesterday, I asked the head of our theatre department if he'd heard anything from my group's director. He hadn't; I ended up calling our director myself. Said director said he thought we'd have our first rehearsal Wednesday, from five to eight. I should have mentioned that three of us had a class off-campus that ended at five, but I didn't. First mistake. Second mistake- I told the rest of the people in our group what he had said (all save one, whom I forgot to tell and whom I don't particularly like. I also managed to use my "Business Voice"- that is, the voice I used on the phone since I was talking to someone I hardly knew and needed something from- on one guy in my group, who is very nice and who doesn't deserve such a curt voice and who I might even sort of kind of like.)
Today, I was looking forward to our first rehearsal. All the other groups at this point have rehearsed and know what they're doing, but I was fairly confident we would get to work and get on track. Then, at four o'clock, right in the middle of Butoh, my phone started to ring. Humiliation struck, I snatched the phone and turned it off, and all was well. Or so I thought. It was not even a minute before another phone rang- this time, it's Michelle, also in my group. He does the same. And then, even another phone rang- Ben's. And guess what? He's in my group.
It wasn't until ten after five that Ben got the message left on his phone: we'd been cancelled. I didn't catch the reason, but I was mad. Fists-clenching, eyes-narrowing, jaw-tensing mad. But of course, there was nothing I could do.
With a New Semester
....comes a lot of changes. I knew Global Issues was going to end and I wasn't going to see Conor for so long every day anymore. I didn't know (a) he would start dating a junior (?!) or (b) we'd only have one Academy class together or (c) he'd simply stop talking to me altogether.
I knew I'd be taking different Academy classes. I went from "advanced acting", "movement for the actor", and a workshop with the Actors' Gang to Butoh, "directing and scene study", and, well, the same Actors' Gang workshop. I am endlessly grateful for that, at least, staying the same.
I've known for a long while that something had to change, because I knew that Conor Did Not Like Me Like That. I knew I was wasting my time. And I made a decision- it was no longer allowed. No more glancing over at him in English. No more deliberately taking routes that would allow me to pass him in the halls and smile at him. No more hating the girl he is dating despite the fact she is perfectly nice and I'm being unfair. It's tough, though. The scary thing is, I know that if he broke up with his girlfriend tomorrow, my heart would catch in my throat.
So I now have a goal- I need to find someone else to crush on, someone else's name to doodle on my Biology notes. Really, though, I'm not particularly attracted to anyone I see on a daily basis. Perhaps I'll have to broaden my search to guys I see on a weekly basis.
And then, maybe, if Conor breaks up with his girlfriend, I won't go all to pieces all over again.
