SoCal Suburbia

Unknowing

It's not the characters I'm infatuated with. It's not Jim, it's not Stephen, and it's not Lelio. Jim's goofiness, Stephen's charm, Lelio's sweetness- those aren't the reasons I look forward to seeing him so much. No, it's the way he leans forward in his chair when he's focusing, and how even though he's from a different school he immediately understood the dynamic necessary for dealing with Sarah. It's how when I smiled at him just before we performed our composition he smiled back, and the way he held me up in a manner that told me for certain he wasn't going to drop me on the stage, no matter how long he had to carry me.

There are other things, too, things that aren't just him. When he's talking to the rest of the group, sharing an idea, I give him my full attention, as I do for everyone. He acknowledges this, making eye contact with me. When we talk, he isn't as derogatory as Ben is- if I laugh, he doesn't tell me to stop. He laughs with me.

It's a crush, though, I can see that clearly. The last time I was this infatuated, I didn't get my head out of it for two years. Or so. I say that, but I think this particular time may have started farther back than I'd care to admit- back when I still had that emotional baggage I really had no right to.

I still can't help wondering if he has a girlfriend, or what he thinks of me, or what he and Michelle said about me after I left, or if they even talked about me at all. Seeing as we talked about Sarah after she left, and Ben for a moment after he left, I think it's safe to guess they talked about me.

I just wish I knew what they said.

posted by Lucy @ 7:59 PM